Tuesday, April 1, 2014

First Day Back After H3

Yesterday was my first day back to full-time work after sweet Hannah (affectionately called H3) arrived.

It sucked.

I really wish it had been better. For H1 and H2 my first day back was pretty glorious. I had been so ready to be back to work. Back in action. Back in my corporate gear. Yesterday, I just wanted to put on jeans (let's be real, my yoga pants) and hang with my kiddos.

Why is it so different this time around?

I did my typical routine... bought a cute new outfit and shoes for my first day. Fit great. Fun color. Fresh. I stopped at Starbucks for my favorite pick me up... but by 10 am I was a mess. This has never happened to me before. I decided to take a mini break and walked out to our receptionist. She asked me how I was doing and I started crying. Yikes! I have never done this before. She said "You know this is normal, right?" and my response was "Not for me. I have never been like this before. It is so weird."

The thing is I am kind of stuck in this limbo zone.

So much of who I am is what I do at the office. My identity is wrapped up in my work. I have been here for 10 years and have always loved working; loved my firm. I still want to work. I don't want to be at home with my kids full time. But for the first time, I am really having trouble leaving home. Leaving my baby. Loosing the time with my big kids. They seem to need me so much more than H3. I thought it would be easier... that must have been a silly thought.

So here I am, day 2, writing an emotional rant on my new blog... is that a good or a bad thing??!!??

1 comment:

  1. Hey Lisa - You're a Mama. It's anyone's best guess as to when these emotions and feelings are going to hit us. And when they do's often uncontrollable. I think as we get we near the end or are at the end of our childbearing years this realization hits us. We're moving forward. Our children are getting older (even the littlest one). It doesn't mean we want to stop all other aspects of our life (i.e. work), but it gives us pause. I think what you're feeling is completely normal. All of us mama's have been there at some time or another. And it's a good bet we'll be there again. Hugs, friend. And you're doing great with the blog! ;)